J’ai entendu d’autres personnes me dire que j’avais toujours voulu plaire aux gens, mais je n’ai jamais compris la gravité de cette tendance jusqu’à ce que j’emménage dans l’ambulance.
Depuis que je suis dans le ventre de ma mère, j’ai toujours été hyper-sensible. Toute ma vie, on m’a dit ou on m’a fait sentir que j’étais « trop ». J’ai fait de mon mieux pour gérer mes émotions intenses sans les laisser affecter les autres. C’était un mécanisme d’adaptation qui me permettait de mieux m’intégrer dans les groupes sociaux et de conserver mes amitiés. Je suppose que c’était ma façon d’être plus « tolérable pour les autres ». C’est à ce moment-là que plaire aux gens est devenu naturel pour moi, quelque chose que je n’avais même pas conscience de faire jusqu’à il y a quelques années.
J’adapte naturellement mon comportement et ma personnalité à une version que je pense, d’après le peu d’informations que j’ai recueillies sur la personne, qu’elle préférerait. Lentement, je me suis efforcée d’accepter mon caractère unique. J’ai commencé par prendre des décisions qui sortaient du cadre et qui me semblaient en accord avec moi, puis j’ai commencé à m’habiller différemment malgré le jugement de mes proches. Je n’ai jamais eu l’impression que les vêtements que portaient les autres étaient faits pour moi, mais j’ai continué à porter des vêtements d’occasion et à acheter des vêtements dans le rayon des soldes d’Urban Planet parce que c’est ce que les autres faisaient aussi.
Le jour où j’ai choisi d’incarner pleinement ce que je suis, cela a commencé par mes tenues. Je suis allée dans une jolie boutique indienne à Montréal et c’était la première fois que je me sentais interpellée par CHAQUE pièce de vêtement dans un magasin. Pour la première fois, je ne redoutais pas d’acheter des vêtements. Je me sentais tellement inspirée et chaque vêtement que j’essayais me rendait un peu plus grande. Je me suis autorisée à donner les vêtements qui n’étaient pas les miens et j’ai créé une garde-robe capsule qui criait MYA !
Il m’a également fallu beaucoup de temps pour décider de ne pas me raser. J’y ai réfléchi pendant des années avant d’avoir le courage de laisser pousser mes cheveux jusqu’à ce qu’ils atteignent une longueur socialement « acceptée ». Je savais que tout cela était dans ma tête, car je savais au fond de moi que le rasage n’était pas lié à ma beauté ou à ma féminité. Je savais que le rasage était une construction mentale créée par des entreprises qui voulaient vendre des « produits de beauté ». Mais la peur de déranger les autres m’a engourdie. Je me suis sentie figée.
Il m’a fallu beaucoup de temps pour rassembler mon courage, d’autant plus que ma mère se moquait de moi à cause de ce qu’on lui avait enseigné comme étant acceptable ou non. Nous ne faisons que projeter nos propres insécurités et attentes sur les autres. Je le vois clairement aujourd’hui. La meilleure décision pour moi n’est pas toujours la meilleure pour les autres. La dernière fois que je me suis rasée, c’était le soir de mon bal de fin d’année, ma mère m’ayant convaincue que ce serait plus approprié. J’avais l’impression d’avoir rasé une partie de moi-même. Je l’ai tellement regretté que ce fut la dernière fois.
Depuis que j’ai emménagé dans la camionnette il y a un mois, mon processus de guérison s’est accéléré. J’ai été fortement confronté à la réalité de la vie en camionnette. Je ne pouvais plus me cacher, je conduisais désormais un GRAND CAMION JAUNE ! Les premières semaines, je n’osais pas regarder les gens dans les voitures à côté de moi, ou chaque fois que je sortais ou entrais dans le véhicule, je fermais rapidement la porte derrière moi. Comme si je faisais quelque chose de mal ou que je prenais TROP de place.
Ce nouveau mode de vie a accéléré ma croissance dans ce service, car j’ai été confronté à des situations où les gens me disaient ENFIN que je n’étais pas la bienvenue ou que je les dérangeais à cause de la taille de mon véhicule. Comment ne pas le prendre personnellement ? Comment continuer à embrasser pleinement ce mode de vie ? Comment occuper l’espace que je suis digne d’occuper ? Quand cesserai-je de me soucier de déranger les autres ?
Ces questions étaient omniprésentes et elles le sont toujours ! Je me rappelle chaque jour que je suis appréciée telle que je suis par les bonnes personnes. Il est impossible d’être aimé par tout le monde et je ne suis pas responsable de la version de moi qui vit dans l’esprit des autres. J’ai le droit de faire ce qui me semble bon pour moi car je suis le seul responsable de mon bien-être. Et si je dérange les autres en étant moi-même, ce sont EUX qui sont responsables de ce qui se passe pour eux. Puissé-je susciter la croissance chez les autres en étant mon vrai moi authentique.
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