I can’t find happiness

Usually whenever I talk about something publicly its because I’ve found some type of solution and want to share the wisdom that I learned. This blog post is far from that. I don’t have a solution yet but I’m still choosing to put myself out there and talk about it. I’ve always been a sucker for moments of bliss and thrill.

Before my accident, I was obsessed with getting dopamine bursts through meeting new people, going on adventures and traveling. I was finding my happiness through external sources and it would never be long until I would feel the other side of the emotion. I was so scared to face this so called “other side” (sadness, loneliness, boredom…) that I would distract myself with something else. I needed to learn the lesson that my happiness is actually internal through a very harsh experience.

I had a near death experience in 2019 and this physically forced me to slow down and face my internal demons. Laying in bed for minutes, hours, days, months, just me and my pain, I realized that I had been pushing down a lot of emotions. In that moment, I had my spiritual awakening. I learned to prioritize my spiritual practice. I learned the power of my breath and that I can be fully fulfilled by myself because I have a loving force guiding me. If I just left it at that and made you believe that I just lived happily ever after, I’d be lying.

Fast forward to my present moment. A few years later, these problems are still here but are just taking a different shape. I am realizing that the highest my highs are the lowest my lows become. I feel stuck in this battle with my emotions. I feel controlled by my mood and my thoughts more often than I feel inner peace.

Most days, my spiritual practice isn’t enough. I feel a temporary high and then I crash again. I am truly struggling at finding a way to find long lasting happiness and inner peace. I have days and weeks where I feel like I have mastered this fully and then all of a sudden I get hit with something unpredictable that triggers me right back.

I’ve learned to identify some of these triggers and I’ve learned better ways to communicate but still I am a victim of these fluctuations. Do I just learn to accept that this is the way that I am or is there an answer to this that I have yet to discover? May my guides make it clear for me. I surrender. 

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